Not in Kansas Anymore

Wow, this has been a week. It has been exactly one week since I last wrote a blog and when I say, it’s been up and down - it really has.

Last Tuesday, I was supposed to meet with a friend of a friend. I was late meeting her, because I got lost on the train - SMH and she actually left, because I was a half-hour late and could not contact her. She was nice enough to come  back to meet me and I was glad that she did – it was a great time and she provided me with her story of how she came to New York on a wing and a prayer. I really needed to hear this, because I’m only hanging by a prayer. The wing broke off last week. :-)

In any event, I drove home to Philadelphia to celebrate my little sister's birthday. She turned 20 years old and we celebrated at the Cheesecake Factory (CF). This was a good outing, besides the waitress. Granted it was late, but lady – with a group of 12 -  I know you get automatic gratuity, but please act like you want to be here. She started us off by bringing one basket of bread to split between four tables. Remember, I said there were 12 of us. Right! Then she brings out glasses of water for my brothers and the water was warm. My brothers were flabbergasted. They just could not understand how someone could serve warm water, even with ice. I was shocked by this as well, but figured CF does not fill up the glass with ice like Dunkin Donuts or fast food restaurants, and this was not a takeout order so it would be cold by the time we arrived home. SMH. I was trying to keep it together, because I did not want to ruin my sister’s birthday with foolishness.  She was so excited when I told her we were taking her out, and there would have been no alternative at 10pm. We can either wait for the ice to melt or ask for some more water. (To be safe, I think I'd wait for the ice to melt).  Anyways, the appetizers were great, our food was great, and hanging out with the family was great.

My niece (1.5 years old) decided she wanted to get her mother's attention, shifted her weight in her high chair, which shifted her pamper to the side and then released her bladder - which trickled down to the floor. It was so much, we thought she might have spilled water. Uh, no. It was my girl. Her parents passed her around like a football pass off to take her to the restroom. It was quite comical to see, even with pee droplets on my shoes. I informed the waitress, who seemed to not understand the first two times I told her. So, I had to raise my voice and say, "That's pee" and point on the floor. Can someone clean it up. After 30 minutes, pee still on the floor, probably soaking into our nostrils and definitely my shoes. I had to remind our kind waitress about the wet floor. She then gets her manager to come over and lap it up with thick paper towels. I thought that was a bit unsanitary, so I'm sure I was making faces. After she finishes, she says - "oh, I should probably get some sort of disinfectant." At that point, I turn my head like a PUG to see if she is for real. She was and returned with some spray and started to spray the floor and wipe that up. Anybody ever heard of a mop and bucket? I turned my head like a human again, bought some cheesecake and asked for the bill.

The next day was July 4th and I spent that time hanging out with my mom and working on my podcast, because my roommates were too loud for me to get this done. Every time I tried to record the podcast, a door would open, the toilet would flush, the little boy starts marching, the door would close, the shower would come on, the little boy continues to march. After all of that, I put my podcast microphone away and decided it might be best to take a walk. Anyway, I was able to do my first interview, which felt really good. You know how you have an idea, but not quite sure how the manifestation of it will turn out. I decided -  I can and will do this! Well, I have business cards and a T-Shirt!!!!!  - I gotta do it now. :-)

Later that day, there was a cookout at my Aunt's house and it's always great hanging with family and friends. There were even some friends of my grandmother there. That was great, because it reminded me how she used to take me on her walks to visit her friends who were restricted to their homes, bedridden or just did not come outside. I would always get some candy from one of her friends and the other one's - I'd just sit and speak when spoken to. That is probably why I get along so well with people older than me. My grandma did not play all that - 'talking out of turn', minding other people's business, saying someone was getting on your nerves or stepping outside of a child's place. Granted, I am older now and actually have my own business, nerves and can talk in and out of turn all I want - but it is still done with respect. That's something I learned at a young age.

Anyway, I drove back to New York on the evening of the 4th and decided to take the no-toll roads back, because I had to pay $5 to get into Philadelphia from New Jersey. I was like, really Philly. You are really going to take my $5. Yes, they took it! It's bad enough it cost $15 to get into New York - and I'm still not sure what they are using that money for. Hmm? So, I'm driving through Manhattan and there are cops on every corner, police cars all over the roads - 10 cars deep - swerving through traffic with their sirens blaring. After the fourth set of police cars pass by me, I remembered it was July 4th. SMH Then I thought, it probably is not wise to be going the same directions of the police. These people actually run towards danger. I, on the other hand,  hide behind the columns to avoid danger. Then I thought, it probably wasn't wise to move to New York, if I wanted to avoid danger. I kept driving until I saw the Bronx expressway. I was relieved then, because nobody wants to mess with the Bronx.  

Friday, I was the only one at work. I could have called out, but what else was I going to do? So, I just went to work and pretended to work. LOL. I actually was able to get some things done, but literally everyone took their vacation on that day. I had no where else to go and I needed to make up some time anyway, so I went. One of the things that I've started to do is read the MTA paper on the train and New York is funny with how they put the bad things in small print, at the very bottom or to the side. Like, bad things that will give New York a bad name - violent things. They do not hide the politician's indiscretions or the fact that one of the mayoral candidates was affiliated with a high-end prostitution ring and sent "unbecoming" pictures of himself to someone. That is not in small print or at the bottom. What is small and at the bottom is "woman was stabbed in the throat coming home from work at 4:25 in the morning",  "homeless woman stabbed a woman and punched another woman while on the 6 train on Monday", or an MTA woman kills herself while on her shift by blowing her brains out". The print is so small, that I almost forget to read it, but then I read it and I'm scared. I catch the 6 train to work and this happened in the morning. I have started to cover my throat on the train, because I don't want to be stabbed and especially in the throat. I have things to say. Craziness.

As I leave to go to my place on Friday, I see this.

He partied too hard - for July 4th and 5th.

My weekend was a bit rough. I think it hit me that I don't have a job, any leads, my own apartment or anything. I stayed in on Saturday and just lounged around. There were things I could have done, but I just didn't feel motivated to do anything. Just wasn't in a good space. The friend of a friend invited me to church with her and I said I would go. I almost cancelled, because I was not in a good space and was still up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was probably best for me to go. I hadn't been in the past couple of weeks - due to moving. Well, I caught the train to the church and I saw a man sitting on the train dressed in his Sunday best. You know me, I didn't look at him in the face just yet, but after I sat down, I thought the Christian thing to do would be to acknowledge him. He was dressed in the Deacon outfit. Brown creased pants, brown shined shoes, a burnt orange vest with a brown jacket. He looked very deaconish! I like the deacons, so I went to look up and speak, but he had already been smiling brightly, he muttered something and then stopped smiling. He wasn't even looking at me, so I assumed he had a Bluetooth earpiece. I searched for the Bluetooth, headphones, or something. There was nothing. I then turned my gaze towards something else, because I didn't want to be stabbed in the throat.

I got off the train and did not know how to get to the church from the station, but I saw a CVS and I still had toothpaste breath. So, I went to CVS, bought some water, Twizzlers for church, and changed from my sneakers to my church shoes (3 inch heels). You just can't walk everywhere with church shoes. They are for church only, because you can only stand to have them on for a few hours. That's it! Anyway, I'm walking with my dress and heels - like I was before and then I felt my right ankle buckle and go towards the right. I was so busy looking for the church, I wasn't looking at the ground and missed the gap in the sidewalk. I did not fall and thought I quickly recovered - so I kept strutting down the street. Well, this guy who is walking towards me says loudly, "You handled that one nicely, you still got it together. I saw that, but you pulled it together. Good job!" I just started laughing. Like, thank you sir for pointing out so loudly that I just tripped.  

I reach a corner and I still don't know where I was going. I took a swig of my water and this couple walks up to me with a map and asked if I knew where...I cut them right off. I said, "I'm lost myself. I know nothing about this area (Harlem)." They look at me like "really". So, I look back at them, like "really". Then this guy walks down the street, who happens to be black, and apparently the tourist couple and I had the same thought at the same time. ASK HIM WHERE WE NEED TO GO. LOL. They got there first and he started to tell them where to go, but couldn't think of the street name. So he looks at me, and says "you know, what's that street". I look at him and say, "I don't know, I'm about to ask you where the church is located." LOL. So then he looks at me like, "really". I look back at him, like, "really". He then tells me where to go. :-) I laughed as I left, because then I realized why they were asking me if I knew where things were - I'm black. Just like we both went to ask that guy. SMH

Well, I found the church and cried from the first song until the benediction. The title of the sermon was "A Remedy for Resignation". If that wasn't applicable, I'm not sure what was. I really enjoyed the music and the message. It was very refreshing to hear and I need that in my life. Not just when I'm down, but even when I'm up. I need that connection, that Word of encouragement to reassure me that I'll be okay and that I'm not alone in whatever struggle I'm in. The lady next to me was crying and the man in front of me was crying too. They started passing out tissues, so I reached over my row and grabbed some for me and the lady next to me. It wasn't funny, but when the preacher said "turn to your neighbor and tell them God hasn't forgotten about you." I turned to my neighbor who was dabbing tears from her eyes and I had tears rolling down my cheeks and we started laughing. I just touched her shoulder and said, "It's not over, God hasn't forgotten about You!" It was a powerful message that God knew I needed to hear. Along with my comic relief with my neighbor, I saw this lady walking down the isle with a Minnie Mouse headband. (Ears sticking up and all). I was glad she was in church, because the church is the most accepting of all types of people - crazy and all. We welcome one, we welcome all! That's the motto. That's the way it should be - come as you are! So, we do.... tears, dripping mascara, Minnie Mouse headbands and crazy deacons. You name it...you can always find it at church.

 I left the church and started walking back towards the CVS and this gorgeous man walks up to me to shake my hands. My defenses are already up, but I stuck out my hand, because - hello - he was tall, light and handsome. He goes on to say his name, which I forgot - DRATS. Then he says, he is running for City Council. I immediately say, "I'm not from around here." So, he puts up his hands like he is under arrest and said in a sarcastic voice, "Well, it's still a good morning". I smiled and said, "Yes, I'm sorry, Good morning". My legs kept walking (stupid defenses), but I turned around and said, "Good luck". UGH. I kicked myself all the way home. I should have asked about his campaign, the process, volunteered for goodness sake. I don't have a job. That could be my full time job and I can sell candy on the trains to pay the rent. SMH.

I was on the train to return home after church, but was in a daze - pondering over the message and kicking myself for not stopping to find out more about that gorgeous man. Anyway, I wasn't really looking at anything on the train, and I see this man looking at me. I just figured I caught him looking at me, while he was gazing around like people have caught me looking at them. So, I just kept looking around and then my eyes landed on him again. I had my glasses on, but I wasn't sure if I was seeing what he was doing correctly. (I was sitting on the other side where the pink arrow is pointing) So I adjusted my glasses and this man was mouthing the words, "How you doing?"- through the bars on the seat. (See the red circle in the picture - that is where he was sitting - with his mouth through the second and third bar) I didn't change my face or even acknowledge that foolishness. I just kept on gazing around the train. You are a grown man, mouthing (with no audible sound) "How you doing?" This is not the show Martin, you are not Sha-Nay-Nay and hopefully not a mime with no make-up. WHAT in the world? You should have seen me getting off that train. SMH

Sunday evening I went to the movies. I decided to get out of my cell and do something. The past week had been extremely HOT - ranging around 95 degrees outside, but it felt like 105 degrees. So, I decided to keep the AC running in my cell, so, when I come in from the scorching heat, I could be instantly cooled. That was my idea. Well, I came back from the movies and opened the door to the apartment where my cell is located and then the other door opens and the wife appears. She has her shoulders hunched and her head bowed a little and she says she wants to talk. I am like, "oh dear." She starts off the conversation by saying, "My husband told me that your AC was running when you weren't here...". I mentally shook my head and thought - "punk". In short, she explained that by 'me' keeping the AC running, it runs up the electric bill and although she knows her husband said everything was included - if their bill is over $100, they will probably need some help with that. I tried to smile as I knew this conversation was uncomfortable for her, but I was also smiling to keep from crying myself. I told her that I understood and would not mind contributing. She then said, "Like now, you are just getting back and your light is on and your AC is running". If looks could kill, she would have melted on the spot. I was thinking, "Lord, you are really humbling me." So, I told her that in the future I would cut the AC off and that yes, I had been sleeping with the light on (because she noticed this and wanted to point it out as well). What I didn't tell her was that I never sleep with the light on, but I do here, because I'm not sure what is going to jump out and bite me. I smiled, she put her head and shoulders up some and I retreated to my cell.  I wasn't mad at her, because - hello- I own a home and I know how those bills can be. I was mad because I am in the situation in the first place. I'm a grown woman who owns a home and ... and ... and ... but none of that means a thing - right here and right now. I'm trying not to be mad at the process, but this is some major humble pie. Grown or not, I'm under someone else's roof and as I tell my kids all the time - you don't dictate rules in someone else's home. You don't like it - Get your own! God knows, more than I can ever say - I've been put out of someone's home before, which is why I've been hell bent on getting and keeping my own. My own everything, not having to depend on anyone for anything. But, here and now - it's not my way and it is tearing me up.

I must have carried that on to Monday - because that was a tough day. All day, just tough. I had to get a few pep talks from my mother, my brother, myself and then my mom again. I even had to get a few pep emails. I think it hit me as I paid my rent for another month, I may be paying to rent this cell for August as well. SMH.  This is my process and what i signed up for - so I got to what I got to do.

Anyway, I made it through the work day after many pep talks and decided at 7pm that I wanted to eat some food and not the stupid salad in the refrigerator. So, I go to Grubhub.com and found a seafood place 1 mile from my place. I ordered and paid for the food online and checked the box, stating that I would pick it up. I heard the thunder, but there was no rain, so I just grabbed my black, cross over, cloth purse, threw on some jeans, my new walking sneakers and a heather gray t-shirt. I get a quarter of the way there and big rain drops started to come down. I run under the over ground train station and attempt to stay under there for protection from the rain - which partially worked. Then the heavens opened up and it starts to POUR and I mean POUR. I am halfway jogging at this point towards the store, which is much further than I thought and I spot a Walgreens. I walk around the store, to find two different types of umbrellas. One is light and cost $5.99 and the other is bigger and heavier and cost $14.99. However, the $14.99 had "fun in the sun" and I thought it was a beach umbrella. I didn't want to walk around with a beach umbrella, so I purchased the $5.99 umbrella. I was 3 blocks away from the store, so I figured I would be fine.

 Now, before I left the Walgreens, the top of my shirt was wet and my jeans were wet from the knees down. I put up that $5.99 umbrella and by the time I made it to the store where my food had been waiting - I was completely soaked. I had been drier without the umbrella.  At this point, I'm in the middle of a thunder storm in full force, with gale force winds and rain coming down by the buckets. I thought about staying in the store to eat my food to wait out the rain, but I realized it was 8:05 pm and already dark. So, I headed back to my place, but stopped past the Walgreens, picked up the "fun in the sun" umbrella and a poncho. The lady let me trade in the $5.99 umbrella that did absolutely nothing. Now, I'm at the entrance at the front of the store, I unwrap my "fun in the sun" umbrella and the poncho. These two older ladies were laughing at me, and asking, "You ready to go now, huh". I said, "Not just yet". They watched me struggle to figure out where the head of the poncho was located, watched me struggle to get the poncho over my big head that happened to have a bun on top and then figure out how to close it up on the sides of the poncho. They were getting a real kick out of this event. I secured my food, opened my umbrella and secured the hood on my poncho and yelled back to them, "I'm ready now" and was off to get back to my place. Don't you know it was barely drizzling when I stepped outside that Walgreens. Now, I really look like the crazy one. I walk back, hot, sweating from the plastic poncho, carrying this huge "fun in the sun" umbrella and making squeaky noises, because my sneakers were soaked.

Status of my situation:

·         Hair: Wet

·         Heather Gray t-shirt: SOAKED

·         Jeans: SOAKED

·         Sneakers: SOAKED

·         Cloth Purse: SOAKED

·         Umbrella "fun in the sun": DAMP

·         PONCHO: DRY

·         FOOD: Good (fish sandwich)

I was always the type to never carry an umbrella, because why do I need the extra baggage? I wanted to move to New York, so I could walk, catch the trains and buses, because it would be fun. Whoa!!! Fun.

Hello, Dorthy - you're not in Kansas anymore. Your primary mode of transportation is no longer your personal vehicle! You need to check the weather, the news and the train systems for possible stabbings. You also may want to get those rain boats, I mean boots. 

  

Here's to changing my thinking and Not clicking my heels.