Could be me

I left my fellowship job around my normal time today, walked to the train station and sat on the platform bench. I’ve let my guard down a little bit, it’s been 3 months in this interesting city - so I can spot crazy from pretty far away now. I sat a couple of seats down awayto a sleeping guy, who one couldn’t probably tell was homeless or not, but he looked a little dingy. I was reading my e-book and then I smelled the guy and realized why the seat was open. I watched him sleep and I noticed his sneakers that were too small and they had feces on the insides. In that moment my heart broke for him. He was just trying to get some rest. I just sat there looking at him, thinking that could be me. What would I look like? How would I go about getting on my feet? What if I felt like I couldn’t? What if I didn’t have family and friends who cared for me? Which station would I sleep at to get rest? 

My train came and as I walked to the apartment that I share with a couple, I became teary-eyed, because I, honest to God, felt like that could be me. I became very grateful about my room that I can afford to rent, my family who would take me in if I hit rock bottom and my friends who would provide encouragement and a room if needed. These things are extremely valuable, probably priceless. About two weeks ago, I got that message loud and clear. After hearing a rejection about what felt like the 50^th job that I’ve applied and interviewed for – I just broke down. All my high hopes, my dreams, my boldness, my ambition – seemed like it came crumbling down. It wasn’t that I did not have the faith that it would happen one day, it was that it did not happen the way I thought and when I thought it should. I became upset – quite upset.

Then I let it go. What’s the worst case scenario? I can move back to Philly and start over. That’s the worst case. It’s not ideal, not treasured and certainly not what I would like to do after being on my own for over 10 years, but if spending time with my family, catching up with old friends, hanging out with my nieces and nephews and ensuring they can say “Auntie Meeka” – then so be it. I had finally resolved within myself, that if my plan does not work out – I will be okay. :-) It took almost three months, but after I left my last interview – I realized it wasn’t just a thought – I realized I was actually okay, if I didn’t get that job. LOL. Crazy feeling, but liberating.

I’ve been out of touch for a few weeks, but you know – NY has been full of surprises and the foolishness has continued, but the only thing that I’d like to share for now is:

•       I received a job offer – today at 11:20 am 

My brother prophetically told me that a lot of things would come at the last minute back in May and I’ve never forgotten those words – but as it turns out. I received the fellowship placement at the last minute, I was able to secure my room at the last minute and my fellowship ends next Thursday and my last day to rent this room is Aug. 22^nd - More last minute stuff.  SMH

Now on to my next adventure – Finding a place to stay. I'm guessing that would be the last minute as well, but again - whatever it is - I will not be anxious. What's the worst case scenerio. My commute will be 1.5 hours traveling from the Bronx to Brooklyn. Not ideal, but I will not complain!

Honestly, I just thank God that I have a place to rest my head, because in case I forgot – everybody doesn’t. Don’t mean to damper your mood, I know these posts are usually funny – but I’m just thankful and no longer bitter or upset about the process. Even the lesson learned. God knows the ways, the path that we should take and even if He doesn’t decide to share the details, it’s for our own good. We just have to be okay with that.

Signing off

~ A Grateful Tammy